Stuck in the Same Old Loop

Him: I’m just not looking for anything serious right now. I’m on a journey of growth to be the man I need to be. I just can’t settle down until I sort my stuff out. Not the insightful stuff like my deeply embedded commitment issues, more like a career and house that gives the illusion that I’ve got my shit together. That real soul-searching stuff.

 

Me: Wow, how deep and enlightened you are. I can totally handle a casual non-labelled thing. That is until I’m in too far and begin to realise that you will never sort your “stuff out” (whatever that means).  To then go crazy with feelings of instability and insecure thoughts that in turn spiral into a painful rage which forces ‘us’ to an end. Leaving me alone. Once again. In a pool of self-pity and hurt.

#Everytime #WhenWillILearn? #PatternsRepeating

I Can’t Do This On My Own

I love you, I really do – you’re my favourite person to spend time with. It hurts though, I am in pain and I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck, lost and confused. And alone, I feel like I am in this alone.

 

I don’t want to continuously talk to those who are close to me about it cause they’re protective of me, and I don’t want their view of you to be skewed. I can’t talk to you about it, cause whenever I try, your default is to become defensive, and you tend to interrupt to rant at me (hence the letter).

 

You rant about where you are at in life. What you need. How hard the last few years have been for you. Somehow me trying to express how I am feeling, turns into the victimised story of you. What about where I’m at in life? What I need? How the last few years have been for me?

 

The other night you told me that you never get to be selfish, and it’s your time in life to be selfish without trying to make others happy. That you need space to sort your shit out. And you know what I get that – but the selfish comment just didn’t leave me. It’s your turn to be selfish? Maybe in other relationships in your life. In our relationship though – I have continuously put my need for security aside for your needs. You needed to break up with me to be with her, you then needed support because she never turned up and you fell into depression, you then needed somewhere to live (and a place for yourself on my lounge room floor), you then needed space to find a job in your career – and now with a job in your career and the upcoming residency with your friend, you need space to ‘sort your shit out’. During that whole time, I have needed security. I have sacrificed my sense of security to be there for you. I have sacrificed parts of my identity, parts of my self-esteem and allowed myself to be gossiped about and friendships risked defending you. All my choice to do so yes, but still a choice to sacrifice these things for you and only you.

 

I acknowledge that you do a lot for me also, I don’t want you to think in expressing all of this that I am forgetting all the good between us. It is by remembering and appreciating all the good and some of the amazing things you do that makes this so painful. You are always there to help me when I need practical help – whether it is to clean, pick me up, help me fix something around the house, care for me when I’m unwell, cook for both me and my friends and more. You do so much more for me than any man in my life, but it is this that confuses things. We keep defending the notion that we are just friends, but it doesn’t feel like friendship. My other friends don’t treat me like this. They say actions speak louder than words, but the words of our relationship say we are friends and the actions say otherwise. It confuses me, I don’t know where we stand. If either of us were to have another partner, our relationship couldn’t continue the way it does, as it would be inappropriate….  All the cuddles would be inappropriate.

 

I don’t know how much longer I can keep being this accommodating woman that lets you continue to call the shots of our dynamics. It is slowly destroying me. I have tried so hard to hold strong for you – to understand your perspective and be empathetic to your needs – but I’ve been neglecting what I need in the process. I can’t keep feeling too guilty to fight for what I want and need, because you’ve had a hard time of it recently. I’ve been allowing myself to live in the shadow of another woman and consequently have that turn me into somebody that I am not. I have never been the insecure or clingy woman in my relations with men – never. I don’t like being it – I don’t like lying awake at night wondering where we both stand in your heart and if I’m going to wake up one day and lose you to her.  I don’t like living in anxiety and fear. This is not who I am…. I am losing who I am.

 

I know I can’t force you to want a relationship with me – but I keep feeling like it’s your way or the highway. You choose what our relationship dynamic is. I feel like the only options I have is to accept these dynamics or lose you all together. So out of fear of losing you, I just keep accepting them, discarding my own needs and wants and sit with the pain. I’m so scared that if we keep working like this that we will end up like you and her; a situation filled with resentment. I don’t want to resent you. I don’t want us to end up being cold. I fear that this is the path that we are going down.

 

I know you don’t tend to be a big picture person, but where do you see this going? How do you see this ending? What is it that you want from me? To sit by your side going along with whatever you need for the rest of your life? Cause that’s what it feels like. How many years does this I just need to be selfish phase go for?  I feel taken for granted, like you see me always holding your hand no matter what you do or who you date or whatever your future may be. I can’t be sitting around as your fall-back girl for the rest of your life, waiting for you to acknowledge what you really have in me.

 

I just don’t know what the fuck to do. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to continue sitting in pain and feeling underappreciated, I don’t want to force you into doing something you don’t want to do – I’m fucking trapped.

 

I need your help to understand deeper than ‘need to sort my shit out’ so I can try find a way out of the trap. Please. I don’t want to be confused and lost trying to find my way through our relationship alone. Relationships involve collaboration. I can’t do this on my own.